I have been struggling with mental and emotional dilemmas lately, so I went and saw a therapist. It was a session filled with tear-jerking moments because I was all out with my feelings and discussed even my deepest secrets.
What’s Going On?
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I Am Not Okay
I am a mom who handles five kids every day. I take care of their stuff from home and school. For me, it has been the role I have always wanted. I am doing those things for my kids, and I believe no one would do better than me when caring for them.
However, the problem is that I get a little exhausted from time to time. I can’t complain because I do not want my kids to think it’s because of them. I do not want my children to feel sorry for me and become guilty for making me feel this way.
Don’t get me wrong; I told them I sometimes get tired of all the clutter and organization. But these are just kids. They can follow some of my rules, and I can order them to work on specific things, but their skills are limited. Thus, most of the task still falls on me. I tried to accomplish every task a few times a day, but my physical strength won’t cooperate.
I told my therapist that I have been holding this mental and emotional exhaustion for a long time because I do not want my children to think I can’t be there for them whenever they need me. I had postpartum anxiety when I had my last two children and I dreaded that feeling ever since. As much as possible, I want to keep the burden to myself because I don’t want them to worry about me. I often tell my kids I can do everything because I’m a super mom. And the thought of admitting to them that I am incapable makes me sad and unworthy.
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I Am Truly Hurt
Regarding my relationship with my husband, our parenting setup is great. He would provide for our needs. When it comes to financial support, my husband knows how to handle monetary issues. We do not have debts, but we live paycheck to paycheck. It means that there is not enough for savings and upgrades since most of the salary straightly goes to our food, bills, and daily needs.
But my mental agony has nothing to do with his take-home salary. It’s more about his infidelity. My husband has been cheating on me for quite a while now, and I am not confronting him. I told my therapist that I did not want to ask about it and upset him because I did not want to have a broken family.
I told my therapist that I would rather endure the emotional pain of knowing he has a mistress rather than compromise the overall well-being of my entire family, especially my children. For this matter, my kids are the most important ones that could greatly become affected when this whole fiasco comes out. Thus, there is nothing I can do but swallow the disrespect and unfaithfulness of my husband.
Am I that strong? Of course, not. That is why I asked my therapist for a couple of things I can do. Unfortunately, her advice is not something I can consider right now. Taking the courage to speak up about my thoughts and feelings could create a huge impact on my family, and I do not want that to happen.
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I Need Help
With all these frustrations with my family relationship, I told my therapist that I am dealing with the scariest thing right now. That is the constant thought of self-harm and suicide. I told her that there were a couple of times that, due to my emotional and mental agony, I even thought of harming my kids and decided to end their lives.
It was a terrifying experience because I would never do that to my children. But then these voices inside my head are trying to control me and tell me that I should end everyone’s life, including mine, so that I can be free from all this pain. I kept on praying that God would help me with this. May he clear my thoughts and guide me to better understand my situation.
I need help because I believe that I might give in at any moment.
Insight
I am thankful to my therapist for listening to my emotional and mental distress and ensuring I am still worthy of life. If it weren’t for her wonderful words and appreciation, I might have committed the worse mistake of my life. I am still in so much pain but am gradually learning to cope with negative thoughts. Soon, with the help of medication and therapy sessions, I know I can find ways to tell my family about these burdens I have.